The Damage of Worry & Concern

What is important to me is that we don’t avoid or attempt to control unfavorable or negative experiences. That would be impossible. Rather, let us maintain honest awareness of the situation, shed light and support for ourselves and for one another to learn how to address, not suppress, the matter. So we may come out as stronger people who have taken the opportunity for growth… out of love for the life experience; not fear, worry or concern of anything otherwise.

It is like nails on a chalkboard to me when people express worries and concern over the most petty things. Those who criticize over some judgement they’ve made from a fearful perspective or preach about “shoulds” and “shouldn’ts” as if all of life fits into the safe box they’ve created in their mind. The reason this is a hard thing for me to swallow is because I used to be one of those people and I know what it feels like to live life in the perspective and idea that I can control the outcome of things.

Everyone lives differently and as parents, people, friends, partners, dog owners, employees, employers, students… whatever hat you wear, most of us approach and do things the best we can and how most of us feel is beneficial, healthy and loving to ourselves and those we care about. Beyond our approach to life, our meaning and purpose of what drives us to live and what we live for may also be very different. For those who’s goals are to live life avoiding as much pain and challenging times as they can, it might feel right to fit into a box of worry and concern.

For those of us who want to live an uninhibited, fearless life experience… I really want to express why being worried or concerned over little things are a serious disservice to you and are not love-building in relationships, let alone to your self-esteem and life perspective.
This is a large reason why we may come across as nonchalant, liberal people to some. Being worried over every single little thing is stressful, unhealthy and supports a fearful perspective that life is not abundant and deceivingly allows us to believe that we can control outcomes based on projected expectations, giving us a false sense of security.

The truth is, I cannot save myself, or those I love, like my child, from ever getting hurt… And being a child myself that was over-protected and sheltered, I have some bitterness over the fact that I wasn’t allowed to fall… Be it on the ground doing some physical activity or failing at something I couldn’t quite handle on my own. I grew to have so much fear of pain and failure that when life inevitably allowed those moments to happen (because it did) I did not know how to be accepting nor address them in a healthy way that allowed me to move through those challenging moments instead of being traumatized by them.

Let me make it clear that living fearless doesn’t mean living reckless, or having a false sense of immortality. But it does mean go out and live life, even if it means taking a risk, like getting into a car (that could befall a fatal accident) to travel to and enjoy a concert, a dinner, or time with friends.

The possibilities of negative events and outcomes are endless… Don’t just fear the most common things you hear via media or conjured from imaginings of the “worse things that could happen”. Be fair to the giving, abundant side of life and maybe start asking yourself, “What’s the best thing that could happen?”

Let go of fear, listen to your inner voice, do what feels right, with love… and you will see it can never lead you wrong. I hope this liberation for all.

-Marin

Less than Good Enough

I recently watched a Ted Talk on the Paradox of Choices… The argument being that more choices could potentially lead to less contentment.

Usually I am very happy with the choices I ‘ve made and have the ability to make in life, but this concept shed light onto the one area where the paradox of choice has definitely left me less content: Where is the best place to live?

After traveling so much my husband and I have had the pleasure to find appreciation for each culture and country that we visit. Every place has its perks. But what place is the best place to settle down in? Where can we truly be happy? As we continue to wander around the globe, picking up and settling back down every other year or so, it seems that we continually look back and say, “Well the last place wasn’t so bad after all…” But when we were there, the emotion of wanting something different, something more was so strong that we hardly felt happy.

Every experience was less than good enough.

It took a moment to assess the cause of this cycle and I when I did, I finally realized it came from a seemingly harmless, unconscious place: The focus on comparison and judgement. I reflected on how my thoughts and awareness were filled with things like:
“People don’t know how to drive around here.”
“The unpredictable, erratic weather sucks.”
“I miss having an abundance of health food shops around.”
“It would be nice if didn’t snow.”

These thoughts seem like factual preferences, but they were keeping me from an attitude of appreciation and they began to slowly turn into complaints and dislikes. When someone asked me how I liked living here, I’d find myself mentioning all the negatives first.

I spent the last couple months practicing a new focus on the things I truly liked and enjoyed.
“I love how easy it is to be car-less here.”
“I love how convenient the culture is for people with families.”
“I love the beautiful mountain views.”
“I love the abundance in beautiful parks and splash pads nearby.”

This new focus has dramatically changed my thoughts and feelings on where I live. And although I still feel like it is not my preference to settle down and raise my family here… I really feel abundant in what it is I am able to enjoy while being here. The feelings of want and discontentment no longer exist.

Because of the positive changes and peace I felt in practicing this exercise, I took it into other areas of my life… like how I think about myself, my job, society, and even as simple as my thoughts on the dinner that I had at a new restaurant. It has left me feeling grateful and abundant for all the good things in my life, while eliminating the distraught over the things I much less prefer.

Where could you apply this practice in your life?

Negative Triggers

There have been times in my life where I feel like I’m bipolar. The question that arises is, “How can such a happy person like me, who recognizes and is grateful for all her abundances, feel so angry and down sometimes?” The stark differences between the good days and my unhappy moments are so drastic that it is difficult not to feel like there is something wrong with myself.

I want to talk about negative triggers. Our brain learns from the past for many reasons, one being to protect ourselves from danger or hurt. Often, if we have been emotionally hurt in the past, things that occur in the future can seriously set off our subconscious, upwelling those same feelings of hurt and confusion. They are so deeply rooted that this perspective or person we become feels a little, well, crazy to how we are used to ourselves being.

It’s easy to be afraid of these triggers reoccurring, so we try to control the circumstances around us to avoid those horrible feelings. However, it doesn’t necessarily dissolve or change the fact that is exists. Negative triggers are just subconscious habits and like all habits we can change them. It is not an easy feat, especially since the feelings negative triggers produce are powerful and often feel true at the moment.

I hope this step by step guide I have developed for myself can help you start gaining more confidence that you no longer have to be the victim of past triggers and you can start doing something about it now…

1. Welcome Triggering Situations: We cannot Change the “problem” if we avoid the whole problem altogether. Avoiding it will only burry and deepen the problem that exists. 
2. Identify the Trigger: You may not know what and why, but you can recognize the feelings, “Oh this feels very bad and very familiar, I must have been triggered.”
3. Remove Yourself from the situation and anyone who might have caused the trigger: When we are triggered, the most difficult thing is not to react. Remember, these are deeply rooted habits to serve a purpose: protecting ourselves. Unfortunately, these habits are slightly misinformed and cause more harm than good. Leaving the situation allows us to get space to “work” on changing these habits without further triggering or interruption. 
4. Allow & Observe Triggering Effects: The trigger has already happened. Trying to fix or avoid it at the moment is like trying to stop a bullet once it’s left the barrel of the gun. We need to back off and watch where it lands. I like to sit alone and write it all down.  It allows me to look back when I am in my “sane mind” and see how insane my thoughts and feelings were. 
5. Be Patient with the Process: Triggers can set us off for minutes or sometimes days. The sooner you can reach true allowing & observing, the sooner those feelings will let go. Resistance to what happened or to your feelings will only prolong the negative experience. 
6. Reflect: Once you feel “normal” reflect on your thoughts and feelings during your triggered state of mind. Identify where the belief system comes from and if it is true. Fear of the possibility of it’s occurrance is different from whether or not it is actually true.
   (Ex. “My boyfriend told me he never loved me and that he wants to break up.” The fear maybe that you are unlovable or unworthy of love.)
7. Give yourself Compassion & Understanding: One thing we lack in this culture is the ability to express ourselves negatively. It’s been unacceptable for so long to be negative that when natural human feelings occur, we don’t know how to express them. As a result, these feelings become suppressed, deep down, forming triggers instead of receiving the compassion and understanding they need to let go an move on.
   Give that to yourself, it’s so important.

This process is not a comfortable one when going through it, but you will find with practice, each situation becomes more quickly managed and less emotionally painful.

AUTHOR’S TIP:
On a last note, I want to share,  in my experience refined sugars deeply effected my sensitivity to triggers and my ability to handle them consciously. Most often I was susceptible to my worst triggers about 2-5 days after consuming refined sugars.
Try to acknowledge things in your life that may not be so immediate to the circumstance that could be hindering you from approaching or handling triggers well.
Ex. Sugar, Dairy, Wheat, Caffiene, drugs, certain people, certain environments, pornography, having sex, etc.